Don't Dwell on Past Events

It is foolish to waste present moments regretting what is over and done with.

Some people constantly say, "If only I hadn't gotten involved in this venture, I wouldn't have suffered." "If only I would have stayed an hour longer, this wouldn't have happened.

" We are not prophets and there is no possible way to know in advance exactly what will be.

Try to protect yourself from harm, but realize that it is impossible to plan for every contingency.

The Mistake is to not Try

Try to become as great as you can. Some people are afraid to accomplish because they might make mistakes -- and those mistakes will be more serious than if they remained simple!

This is not valid reasoning. Each person is obligated to develop himself to the best of his ability. The smallest person has potential for greatness if he utilizes all that is within him.

Better Than Duct Tape

One person who frequently lost his temper, finally learned to control it with the following method:

Whenever he felt angry at someone, he would take a sip of water and hold it in his mouth for five minutes. Only after the five minutes passed would he criticize someone.

During this time his anger subsided and he was able to talk calmly.

How to Give Advice

Giving positive advice to people who are open to hearing it, is one of the greatest acts of kindness you can do.

Be careful not to give advice when it is unwanted, even if you are well-meaning. A prerequisite for giving advice is to have the humility not to give advice unless you are certain it will have a positive outcome.

How you give advice is often a key factor in whether or not it will be appreciated. Giving positive advice takes great skill.

Sound Advice

Sound is energy. This is a highly significant statement that effects you every time you speak to someone. Your tone of voice creates a specific type of energy. A soft and smooth tone of voice creates peaceful energy. An upbeat or joyous tone of voice creates positive energy. Both of these are in stark contrast to an angry tone of voice that creates an angry loop.

When you speak, your tone of voice creates either positive or distressful feelings in the person on the receiving end of that energy. The other person is likely to speak back to you in a tone that is similar to your own. For this reason King Solomon (Proverbs 15:1) advises us: "A soft reply turns away anger." A soft tone of voice has a calming effect both on you the speaker and on the listener.

Do you want others to speak to you in an upbeat tone of voice? Then speak to them that way. A word of caution: For some people an overly enthusiastic tone of voice is too intense. So observe the effects of how you speak and modify your intensity according to the reaction of the listener.

We need more of these

At a recent Sheva Brochos party for a newly married couple held at the Mir Yeshiva (rabbinical college) in Jerusalem, the groom, a pious learned young talmudic scholar with a stellar reputation, told a story about "a turning point in his life" that astounded the guests. It happened when he was in fifth grade. A classmate, Naftali, came in one day showing everyone an expensive new watch he had just received as a gift. At recess, with everyone running out to play ball, the boy took off his watch, and left it on his desk, so as not to breaking it during recess.

When he returned to class after recess, the watch was gone! He let out a hysterical shriek. There was no consoling the boy as he cried, begging his rebbi (religious teacher) to help him find the watch. The rebbi was quite sure that no one had entered the classroom since recess began. His instincts told him that it was a boy in his own class who had probably taken it on the way out or in from the playground.

The rebbi got everyone's attention and said, "I know that it may have been tempting for someone to take Naftali's watch. We all saw that it was very beautiful and quite expensive. However, we must get the watch back to him. Did anyone here take it by mistake? And if yes, would you like to return it?"

No one stirred as the boys nervously glanced around to see if anyone was admitting anything. The rebbi waited a few moments and said, "I guess I have no choice. I am going to ask all of you to stand up front, facing the wall and I am going to go through your pockets to see if it's there. But I am giving you one more chance to admit that you may have taken it by mistake. Look, it can happen. Someone just wanted to admire the watch so he may have picked it up and then inadvertently put it into his pocket."

Again no one said a thing. The rebbi called up the boys and asked them to stand against the wall and not to turn around even for a moment until he gave them permission. The groom's face turned red as he explained what happened next.

"I was the third boy in line. Once everyone was in place he started going through the pockets of every boy, and he found the watch in mine. I had been hoping against hope that he wouldn't find it, as I planned to return it to Naftali after school. However, now the rebbi had the culprit. I was literally shaking, knowing that I was about to be exposed and scolded.

"Instead he continued checking every single boy! When he finished searching the last boy, he said, 'You all can go back to your seats. I have the watch.'

"As I walked back to my seat I had to hold myself back from crying. I understood what the rebbi did and how he saved me from being embarrassed. He had continued the search so no one could figure out who had taken the watch. He didn't even look my way. He resumed teaching. I decided then and there that someday I would like to be like him."

The groom, a rabbinical student in one of the world's most prominent institutions of higher Jewish learning, indeed became a wonderful person because his spiritual mentor protected his dignity and afforded him honor back in the fifth grade. With that gesture, the rebbi laid the foundation for the validation of a student in a new generation so that he eventually would do the same for his children and disciples.

[The foregoing story is documented in the Spirit of the Maggid, by Rabbi Paysach J. Krohn]

Real Intelligence

It is easy for a person who feels less intelligent than others to have low self-esteem. This is unnecessary. While there are many advantages in having intelligence (for Torah study and other pragmatic reasons), when it comes to basic value of a person, intelligence is not a key factor. You can be righteous regardless of your intellectual ability. Similarly, intelligence is not a decisive factor in whether or not a person will be happy in life.

Since you can be both righteous and happy no matter what your level of intelligence, there is no necessity in feeling less of a person if others seem "smarter" than you.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

A message every adult should read because children
are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
favourite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.


When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each
other.


When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of
your time and money to help people who had nothing,
and I learned that those who have something should
give to those who don't.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it's all right to cry.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.


When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.


When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and
wanted to say,’ Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn't looking.'

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT .

Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) influence the life of a child.

Care deeply. Speak kindly.


Leave the rest to God.

Give Good Advice

When someone comes to ask your advice, your obligation is to give him the same advice you would need to hear if you were in his position. Focus only on the welfare of the person you are talking to, and not on any personal benefit you might derive from giving a particular type of advice. If you are unable to do this, then you should not be giving any advice at all!

The next time someone asks you for advice, view this person as yourself or as your beloved child. What is the absolutely best advice you could give?

Feel Grateful for What You Have

Feel joy with what the Almighty has given you, and do not focus your thoughts on what He has not given you.

Imagine how you would feel if you gave someone a present (although you had no obligation to do so), and he immediately complained that you didn't give him twice as much! You would certainly regret having given him anything.

Failure to appreciate what the Almighty gives you is behaving in a similar manner.

Today, write a list of things you feel you have overlooked appreciating in the past. Be resolved to start feeling grateful for those things

the Effect of Your Words

When you focus on the outcome of your words, you will be careful not to insult others. Imagine the harm you are causing yourself by turning this person against you! Practically speaking, you never know when you will need this person's help or friendship.

Of course, we should avoid hurting people with words because it's the right thing to do. But at least we should do so out of enlightened self-interest!

Up and Go On

There is a very serious mistake that many people make when they think about the perfection of the great scholars and righteous people of the past. They focus solely on the end result of all the years these great people spent working on themselves and overlook the conflicts they had to overcome. The impression is given they were born great and needed no effort to become that way. We do not know about all their inner battles or their falls and mistakes along the way. The result of this is that when a strongly motivated person with high aspirations comes across obstacles and pitfalls he becomes discouraged and feels like giving up. The truth is that everyone feels downhearted at times. Do not expect your path to be an easy one. Regardless of how many times you fall, keep getting up and continue striving and you are guaranteed success in the end.

The Glass Of Milk

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water.

She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."

He said..... "Then I thank you from my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Year's later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.

Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval.

He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill.

She read these words.....

"Paid in full with one glass of milk"

(Signed)

Dr. Howard Kelly

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."

the Joy of Being Alive

If we truly appreciate the gift of life that the Almighty gave us, we will constantly say, "No complaints, I'm alive."

When you experience joy for being alive, these positive feelings create a context that free you from the thoughts and feelings that create complaints.

The Ten Commandments of Marriage

The concept of marriage does not apply only between men and women in Judaism; our entire relationship with our Creator is considered a marriage. Our wedding anniversary is the holiday of Shavuot, the day on which we received the Torah. And just as a marriage should be continually renewed, so too, each and every year, we once again relive the giving of the Torah, our marriage to G-d. We received the Torah as an entire people, men, women and children, and we are taught that Mt. Sinai itself, the smallest and most humble of all the mountains, was held above our heads, symbolizing the wedding canopy, the chupah. When we received the Ten Commandments, the foundation of the Torah, this represented the giving of the marriage contract, the ketubah, representing our love, commitment, respect, and responsibility within this relationship. Doubt can kill any good marriage Every time a man and woman marry, as they stand under the wedding canopy, it is a reenactment of our wedding day with G-d, the day we received these Ten Commandments. Therefore, it is clear that when we look more deeply into these commandments, we will find not only spiritual advice for enhancing our marriages, but very practical and essential guidelines as well. The Ten Commandments 1. I Am the L-rd Your G-d Who Took You Out of Egypt, from the House of Slaves. Let there be no doubt -- in my work teaching and counseling couples, I have met many people who feel uncertain they are married to the right person. They may have been married for decades, but they are still not quite 100% sure. Some may have been sure at a certain time, but then doubt crept in. Was I too rushed or immature when I made my decision? Is he the right person? Would I be happier with someone else? Did we both grow in different directions, become different people, in the years since our wedding? Yes, you were immature when you got married, but that is a good thing. You met when you were younger, still flexible, and you grew up together. You did both develop and change since your wedding, but if you keep each other involved in the changes and the growth, they only serve to make you more interesting to each other. Make no mistake: doubt can kill any good marriage. I hate to think what it can do to a shaky one. I have had experiences with women who were content only after recognizing and wanting to accept: This is my husband. This is the man I chose to marry. And upon recognizing that decision, you recognize that this is the man you are intended to stay with, work with, live with, raise children with, pay bills with, figure things out with, and grow old with -- this man, and only this man. Now, in this first commandment, the first word is Anochi. Anochi means I in the Egyptian language. Now why would G-d start the Torah, indeed the very first of the Ten Commandments, in a foreign language and not in Hebrew? At that time, we, the Jewish people, had just come out of Egypt. Although we used our Hebrew language, Egyptian had also become quite familiar to us. G-d chose to communicate to us in a common language -- some common ground with which to start off the relationship. This holds a lesson for us all. At some point in life, a woman might think to herself, Oh, he is so different from me. Still, with effort and devotion, common ground can be found. If you have to speak a foreign language for a while, do so. The use of the word Anochi -- I -- teaches us that G-d put Himself, His very essence, into the Torah. The lesson for us is that we must likewise put our heart and soul into our marriages. Who took you out of Egypt Why does G-d keep reminding us where we come from? Is it so pleasant to keep hearing that we were once slaves? Cant we just forget the past and move on? We all come from somewhere. Much as we would like to start fresh as newborns from the wedding on and have no baggage -- the fact is we all come into marriage carrying our backgrounds, childhoods, habits, expectations, differences, and perhaps even, G-d forbid, traumas. If we have something in our past that we need to deal with, we must do so and not sweep it under the rug. Anything swept under the rug today will only grow bigger by tomorrow, or next week, or ten years from now. Sooner or later, it has to be taken out, examined, and laid to rest. Sooner is much better than later. You can really hurt yourself, as well as other members of your family, if you trip on all those lumps under the rug. Until we acknowledge our baggage, the temptation exists to blame our insecurities on our husbands. Is there something within us that needs to be dealt with, something from way back? Comparing only leads to trouble We are not the only ones who have a past. Our husbands, too, come from a different home, went to a different school, perhaps grew up in a different culture. As similar as we think we may be, we are still going to be different. Sometimes a woman gets upset about something her husband does or doesnt do because she makes the assumption that he should know. For example, you may have a way of celebrating your birthday growing up where you always had a cake and received presents. But things may have been done quite differently in his parents home. So if you never explain what you expect on your birthday, you cant be upset if your husband doesnt know that you want a cake and presents. Each partner must take the others past into consideration. 2. Do Not Have Other Gods Before Me Dont look at other men; dont compare your husband to other womens husbands. Recently my phone rang, and it was a woman I didnt know. She wanted to talk. She was unhappy. She was married several years and suddenly realized that her husband was not as smart, polite, fine, well-brought-up, sophisticated, as... As she spoke I felt that part of her sentence was missing. Hes just not as good as... As whom? I asked. She would not answer. Pressing harder, I asked if they had been out recently with another couple. Taken aback, she exclaimed, Oh, you saw us at the restaurant? (The fact is I did not even know to whom I was speaking!) I assured her that I had not seen them, but explained that it was clear she was comparing her husband to someone else, and I asked her to tell me what happened. She wistfully described how the night before, at the restaurant, her friends husband had pulled out the chair for his wife, taken her coat, and respectfully hung it up for her. Her own husband never noticed her chair or her coat. The other womans husband had known just what to order and had even known his wifes preferences. Her own husband sat there waiting for her to order for him, announcing that he hated fancy food. Then he joked about people who eat anything other than steak and potatoes. The other man had been so sophisticated and genteel, while her own husband inadvertently insulted the waiter. Why, the other husband had even known all about wines! She had come home feeling very disappointed in her husband. This is absurd, of course. Knowing which wine to order does not a good husband make! One could argue that the opposite is true. Focus on the good that is in your husband, the things that matter. By recognizing them, you will strengthen them. Thanking him for his patience while learning with the children, for example, will strengthen that quality in him. Acknowledge and reinforce the good. Comparing only leads only to trouble. This is your spouse, there is no other. 3. Do Not Say G-ds Name in Vain Dont speak about your husband lightly or needlessly. We sometimes have a tendency to put down our husbands in a laughing, joking way. Why? Is there a purpose? What good can it possibly do? A couple shops together at the supermarket. As they stand at the checkout counter, the wife remembers that she forgot to get something. She sweetly asks her devoted husband to go back down the aisle and get her favorite cereal. As she watches her husband go up and down the aisles -- dairy, frozen, produce, cleansers -- looking for her favorite cereal that she forgot, she turns to the woman on line behind her and says, Can you believe this guy? Hes going through the whole supermarket looking for cereal! MEN! Now what was that for? What did these words accomplish? Why is this condescending, husband-bashing necessary? We all have a need to air our feelings. It helps to hear that others deal with similar situations -- that a certain behavior is just typical male and not to be taken personally. This is why I strongly encourage women to have a mentor (a mashpia), a good friend, someone to talk to. We all need that heart-to-heart sometimes. It is healthy to have someone close and reliable with whom to confidentially and privately discuss issues that are weighing on us. This is not needless talk. This is conversation with a purpose, where one speaks of ones husband with respect. Quite different than flippantly and publicly putting him down. Make time for your marriage A couple married only a year came to see me. They were in shock. They had just heard that a rumor was going around the wifes hometown saying that they were getting divorced! The trouble was that they were the last to know. There was no truth to it whatsoever. The mystery soon became clear. The wife was a very young woman now living in Israel, her husbands country. Immediately following their wedding, it was necessary for her to accustom herself to a foreign language and an entirely new culture, far from home and far from anyone she knew. At the same time, she had to adjust to married life. This is never an easy challenge, and of course there were some difficult moments. One day, not long after getting married and moving to Israel, a friend called. Hearing her friends voice brought her homesickness to the fore. The stressed newlywed allowed herself the luxury and release of a long tearful whining session to her equally young, as-yet-unmarried and still-in-school friend. She cried about how lonely and homesick she was -- how difficult all the adjustments were. This inexperienced, young school girl, clearly the wrong person to confide in, hung up the phone quite unhappy and overwhelmed. She had been handed a burden that was too heavy for her. So she shared it. She told her mother that her friend was miserable in her marriage and wanted to come home. It wasnt long before the divorce story spread around town, especially since nobody in America ever saw the young woman, who had actually made the adjustments quite admirably in her own way, managing quite well with her new husband in Israel! Fortunately, this couple is still happily married, albeit with a lesson learned. We must remember to speak to others about private issues only when there is a clear purpose, and we must carefully choose to whom we speak, as well as when and where. 4. Remember the Day of Shabbat and Keep it Holy Remember Remembering is a good thing. Create good memories for yourself and your family. Time spent together, a smile, a note, a picture, birthday parties, and family affairs are all wonderful memories. Pull them out of your memory bank when things get tough. Give your children memories to share. We all have good memories of some sort, collected from our childhoods, that surface at different times in our lives and give us strength. Create new ones in your married life together. Allow yourself, encourage yourself, to dwell on the good times. I once spoke with a woman who works with couples going through divorce. I wanted to help couples reconcile before they moved on to something as tragic and final as divorce. She told me how she knows whether there is hope for a couple to reconcile or not. She asks them conversationally, So how did you meet? If they answer with a little smile, with a glimmer of some positive emotion in their eyes, she knows there is still hope. If they say they cant remember or look back at her, stony-faced... Keep (literally -- watch) Shabbat is the day we reinforce our bond with G-d, a day we spend time on spiritual pursuits as opposed to another day, another dollar. Make time for your marriage. Take a day off, an evening away -- some time with no phones, doorbells, or other distractions. A very busy man was always promising his wife to take time off to be alone with her, but it never worked out. He just didnt have the time in his day, he said. She had no doubt he was truly busy with important things. One day, she told him that one of his biggest supporters had called saying he would be coming to town. She told him she scheduled a meeting for them in the lobby of the hotel where the big supporter would be staying. Her husband duly and gratefully marked the appointment on his calendar. When he showed up to the appointment with two hours cleared to spend with his supporter, he found his wife waiting for him. She said, I am your biggest supporter, and I need some time with you. Realize who your biggest supporter really is, and give him/her the time and attention s/he needs and deserves. Ultimately, your relationship stands to profit. To sanctify it, to keep it holy What can make our marriages richer, stronger, and longer-lasting? We must recognize that there is a third Partner in our marriages, G-d. Holiness is the most important word in a Jewish marriage. Treat your marriage as the holy union it is. Marriage is not just about the two of you. It is not about what you want or what he wants. It is about you, him, and G-d. What does He want? If you both focus on pleasing Him, you will ultimately please yourselves and each other as well. The subject of kedushah (sanctity) in marriage is a topic in its own right. One must always remember that under the marriage canopy, G-d was invited into this union, and thereby made it a legal marriage according to the law of Moshe and Israel. As long as we respect and uphold that, making it part of our daily lives, we will merit that our home be blessed by G-d. 5. Honor Your Father and Your Mother Take this literally. Honor your parents and your parents-in-law. It might be difficult at times. That is why it is a commandment. But if you make the effort to honor your parents, you will gain, and so will your children. There is such a thing as too much involvement. The primary influence and focus after marriage should be ones spouse, not ones mother. When balanced, however, healthy and strong connections with the older generation are beneficial to everyone in the family. In honoring our parents, especially once they reach old age, we must learn to give them what they need and what they want, not what we think we would want if we were them. In recognition of their age, we need to respect their whims. As we respect and honor our parents wishes although they may make no sense to us, so too should we honor our spouses wishes. More than once I have received calls from men and women (calling in advance of a counseling session) asking me to convince their spouses to see things their way. Basically what they are saying is, Make him think as I think, make him feel as I feel. People are different. It is so much wiser and more practical to expend effort on respecting the differences, rather than trying to erase them. 6. Do Not Murder The Torah commentator Ibn Ezra says the prohibition against murder means with your hand or with your tongue. Physical abuse and verbal abuse are clearly both forbidden. When you speak cruelly to someone, you kill his or her character, you destroy the personality. Instead of blossoming, you make the other shrivel. We must recognize that there is a third Partner in our marriages You may have seen this happen. A very talented, happy, and outgoing young man or woman seems to just withdraw after getting married -- as if someone killed all their self-confidence. (If this happens to someone you know, be suspicious. There might be verbal or physical abuse taking place.) One of the main gifts of marriage is the self-confidence we can attain from a spouse who has confidence in us. A spouses attitude can either build, or, G-d forbid, destroy. Living in a critical, hostile environment is a killer. Living in an environment of love, acceptance, and support, on the other hand, builds up a persons self-esteem, setting the stage for success in every aspect of life. As a spouse, recognize the power you hold. Make the effort to encourage, sincerely compliment, and express appreciation. If stealing someones confidence through verbal cruelty is the equivalent of murder, then uplifting the confidence of another can only be the equivalent of giving them life. Do not kill: dont kill his personality, his ability to succeed. Every husband and wife can and should be the cheering squad for the other. 7. Be Faithful What does it mean to be faithful? It means recognizing that there are areas of marriage that are private. It means that we dont reveal our personal issues to the public -- that is betrayal. It means that both a man and woman should respect the private space and time within marriage as sacred and know that what happens there, stays there. It means trust. A man was at work and heard two of his co-workers discussing an incident that had happened between a man and his wife. As he listened to them laughing at this story, he turned bright red. He recognized the story. It had happened in his house. They were talking about him! He realized that his wife had told her friend, who had told her husband, who was now telling his co-worker, this extremely private story. To him this was a lack of faithfulness on her part, a very important breach of trust, and it was nearly impossible to convince him to go back to her. 8. Do Not Steal Giving credit where it is due wont cost you a penny, yet can buy you the world. A man I know earned his degree after many years of study. Whenever someone congratulated him, he replied, The credit really goes to my wife. She took on extra jobs to support us so I could learn. She took the kids out of the house so I could study. I know a speaker who starts every speech by thanking her husband. After all, she is standing there, beautiful, calm, and well-prepared, while her husband is home putting all the children to sleep. She shares the credit with him. 9. Do Not Bear False Witness The commandment to be truthful reminds us to have honest and open communication in marriage. Talk! Say what is bothering you. Please, oh please, just say it! We dont receive the gift of prophecy under the marriage canopy. Some women mistakenly think, If my husband really loved me, he would know what is bothering me. Not true! If you really loved him, you would just tell him, simply and politely. The same applies to husbands. Dont accuse -- share. Stick with I sentences. I feel uncomfortable when... or I worry that... Every time you keep something inside you without revealing what is bothering you, you add a layer of bricks to a wall of your own making. At first you can decide to step over the wall whenever you want. After some time it requires a little jump. Okay, you think, you can jump over such a low wall whenever you decide to. Soon, however, you may need a ladder, but you can still get over it when you really want to. As the years pass and you keep adding one row of bricks after another, the wall grows so high and so impenetrable that you just cant get over it anymore. Tragically, communication is now totally blocked by countless issues, some tiny, some huge. Issues that were never aired and never dealt with. With expertise and much effort, the wall can still be brought down, at any stage of life, but think how much more productive and less painful never to have constructed it in the first place. 10. Do Not Covet Dont be jealous. Now who would be jealous of her own husband? But many women are. In a lot of situations, especially if the woman is home with the children and her husband goes to work, they are jealous of their husbands freedom. Husbands can generally come and go whenever they wish, while their wives must find baby sitters and make 100 arrangements before they can walk out the door. Men just call out, Bye! Im leaving! and breeze out the door. Often, if a husband is stuck at work and the wife is then stuck at home with supper, homework, baths, and bedtime, this can lead to jealousy and resentment. Every husband should bear in mind the burden that his wife carries, and try to help her as much as possible. In addition to that, he should appreciate and understand her. His verbal appreciation alone can lighten her load more than he can imagine. Every wife should bear in mind that if she is unhappy and resentful, she should sit down with her husband, or perhaps with a mentor, and figure out what she can do to achieve satisfaction and set herself free from any resentment. Maybe she needs to get out and be in the company of other women. Maybe she needs to work additional hours. Maybe she needs to work fewer hours or stop working altogether, for a while, or try to ease the pressure in some other area of her daily life. Perhaps she needs more help in the house, or presently has inept help. Maybe there is one particular friend who is making her feel this way. Mother-in-law trouble, who knows? With a little thought and some discussion, she can figure out what she needs and attain it without hurting her children, and she can stop being jealous of her husband. The Ten Commandments apply to all aspects of our lives and in every situation. If we look carefully and deep within, through adhering to these laws we will first be able to rectify ourselves; and from that, we will have the ability to rectify the world around us. The sooner we are able to fulfill the Ten Commandments -- both literally and figuratively -- the sooner Moshiach will come, and we will be redeemed, may it be now!

The 5 Levels of Pleasure

Every person in this world is seeking pleasure. It is what motivates us. The problem is not that people seek pleasure. The Almighty created the world for our pleasure. The problem is that people are not aware that there is an hierarchy of pleasures and that there are counterfeit pleasures.

We often settle for lower levels of pleasures because we are not aware of what pleasure truly is or the higher levels of pleasures. It's kind of like going into an ice cream store and ordering plain vanilla every time because one never heard of a Banana Split -- three types of ice cream, two different coverings (hot fudge or caramel), whipping cream, sprinkles and ... a cherry on top.

Like all intelligent discussions, we must first start with a definition. Pleasure is the energy one derives from something that helps him have the power to grow, improve. There are different levels of pleasure -- each defined by its own currency (what it takes to acquire the pleasure) and each with its own counterfeits. There is no exchange rate between levels of pleasure.

If you ask a person, "What is the opposite of pain?" he usually responds, "Pleasure." Wrong! The opposite of pain is absence of pain -- or comfort. To equate comfort with pleasure is the definition of decadence.

Pain is the price one pays for pleasure. Whatever you have that you value, you value it more according to the effort, the trials and tribulations, the pain to acquire it. A "self-made" millionaire enjoys his money and values it more than the individual who inherits wealth. To succeed in the pursuit of pleasure, you have to focus on the goal and the pleasure of the effort you make to achieve it.

So, what are the Levels of Pleasure?

• FIFTH CLASS PLEASURE -- physical and material pleasure. Good food, nice clothes, comfortable home, pleasant music, beautiful scenery. This includes anything that involves the "five senses."
• FOURTH CLASS PLEASURE -- Love. No amount of 5th class pleasure can buy even one unit of love. Would you accept 25 million dollars in exchange for one of your children? People will sell everything they own and go into debt to save the life of a child. They'll give up all 5th Level Pleasures for 4th Level Pleasure.
• THIRD CLASS PLEASURE -- being good and finding meaning. A person who is willing to give up everything he owns for 4th class pleasure will forego the pleasure of his family -- for a cause. In W.W.II people lied their way into the army knowing they were leaving their family for years and even possibly dying. Why? To save the world for humanity. To destroy the evil scourge. To make a difference in the world.

If you don't know what you are willing to die for, then you haven't begun to live. Otherwise, you are merely playing a game. If you don't have meaning in your life, then all the physical enjoyments, the beautiful vacations and even the wonderful spouse and children, won't prevent you from feeling that something is missing.

• SECOND CLASS PLEASURE -- the power of creativity, of perfecting the world, through wisdom, into an utopia. It's the pleasure of being aware of how much more there is to life.

Why is creativity such a thrill? Because it touches the essence of God. The ultimate expression of creativity was God's creation of the world. He made something from absolutely nothing. Only an Infinite Being can do that. Expressing our own creativity is a taste of that power.

• FIRST CLASS PLEASURE -- No human being is totally satisfied unless s/he's in touch with the Transcendental Dimension. When all is said and done, what we each seek is to reach out of this finite world and connect with the Infinite. To become one with God.

Awe is the experience of merging our small, relatively insignificant selves with something much greater. We break beyond our own limitations and connect in unity with God. First class pleasure is incomparable to any other experience. Nothing finite, nothing bound up in this world, can compare to the Infinite.

In order to connect with God, you have to learn to appreciate all the good that He has done for you. That means giving up the illusion that you alone are responsible for your achievements. It's all a gift from God. If you make the effort to appreciate the gifts God has bestowed upon you, then you'll have such a keen awareness of God's presence that everything you do is accompanied by a sense of His love and guidance. You'll be overwhelmed above and beyond any other pleasure possible.

There is much more to say about acquiring pleasure in life. Go www.aish.com, and in the Search box, type "pleasure." Check out "5 Levels of Pleasure" by Rabbi Noah Weinberg from which this article is based upon and parts excerpted from.

Short Summary of the Torah Portion of the Week - Vayeira

Abraham, on the third day after his brit mila (circumcision), sits outside his tent looking for guests to extend his hospitality. While talking with the Almighty, he sees three visitors (actually angels of the Almighty). Avraham interrupts his conversation with the Almighty to invite them to a meal. One angel informs him that in a year's time, Sarah, his wife, will give birth to a son, Yitzhak (Isaac).

God tells Avraham that He is going to destroy Sodom because of its absolute evil (the city is the source of the word "sodomy"). Avraham argues with God to spare Sodom if there can be found ten righteous people in Sodom. Avraham loses for the lack of a quorum. Lot (Avraham's nephew) escapes the destruction with his two daughters.

Other incidents: Avimelech, King of the Philistines, wants to marry Sarah (Avraham's wife). The birth of Yitzhak. The eviction of Hagar (Avraham's concubine) and Ishmael. Avimelech and Avraham make a treaty at Beersheva. Avraham is commanded to take up his son, Isaac, as an offering "on one of the mountains" (Akeidat Yitzhak). Lastly, the announcement of the birth of Rivka (Rebecca), the future wife of Yitzhak.

Do you want to know the reward for listening to the command of the Almighty? This is what the Almighty told Avraham: "... I shall surely bless you and greatly increase your descendants like the stars of the heavens and like the sand on the seashore; and your offspring shall inherit the gate of its enemy. And all the nations of the earth shall bless themselves by your offspring, because you have listened to My voice."

Dvar Torah, "The Pleasure of Giving" by Rabbi Shaul Rosenblatt

You are traveling in the desert with two friends. It's a boiling hot day. You see some tents in the distance, seemingly a Bedouin camp. Suddenly, running crazily towards you, a 99-year-old man appears. He dives at your feet, face in the sand, and implores, "Please my masters, if I have found favor in your eyes, do not pass by the tent of your humble slave. Stay a while. I will personally wash your feet and provide food. Sit in the shade of my tree - and afterwards you may go."

Try to picture it for a minute: What would you think?

Most people would be concerned that this is some sort of psychopath who plans to chop them into little pieces and bury them under his floorboards. At the very least, there must be a catch, something in it for him. After all, nobody in this world does something for nothing. Does he?

I doubt that many would take Abraham up on his offer.

It says a great deal about the society in which we live, that when someone wants to do something for us, we are suspicious. Why would someone want to do something for me if there was no gain for him? And most of the time, we are correct. It's a terrible shame, though, that we need to be so wary. After all, which should be the anomaly: a person who cares about others and gives to them selflessly, or a society that is suspicious of such a person?

Abraham was the person in Jewish history who, above all else, exemplified chesed - kindness. It was not strange for Abraham to run to potential guests and beg them to partake of his generosity. He loved humanity and, above all else, his mission in life was to make people happy. There are few deeper pleasures than of giving to others, and Abraham knew that well. Every one of us enjoys giving much more than taking. Giving expands and satisfies us. Taking leaves us ultimately feeling empty. That's why parents usually get more pleasure from their children, than children do from their parents - even though the children 'receive' much more.

So why do we not give as much as we could?

We are misled into believing that by giving, we somehow lose out. If I give to someone else, there is surely less for me. It's true, but only in the short term. In the long term, giving gives us back so much more than we gave. Abraham understood this and his life was about giving. We, as his spiritual heirs, have the same trait within us. Giving does make us happy. If we would keep reminding ourselves of this, we could find a lot more happiness.

Most people, having won the lottery, would be in a hurry to bank the check. Abraham was in a hurry to bank his check also. But while a lottery win is finite, the pleasure to which Abraham ran was eternal and unlimited.

Mastering The Gratitude Attitude

It starts with getting rid of the entitlement attitude, which puts one's "rights", ahead of everything else.

What in life do you feel is coming to you? Health? A good job? Children? A peaceful retirement? Check yourself out.

If you're like me, you probably have a whole list of things you feel entitled to, and if you don't get them, you feel cheated. If you are unable to take a vacation or buy the home you've dreamed of, then life has robbed you of something you are entitled to!

We live in a society that feeds an entitlement attitude. Compare the Bill of Rights, which focuses on our entitlements, to the Torah, which focuses on our responsibilities and obligations.

LIFE OWES US NOTHING

The entitlement attitude says, "life owes me something," or "people owe me something," or "God owes me something."

You know if you're into entitlement because the result leaves you constantly feeling angry, resentful, or frustrated. If you believe that someone owes you something and that person doesn't come through, you feel angry. You feel you've been ripped-off and cheated out of what I rightly deserve.

But entitlement is a lie. It's a perversion of reality.

There is nothing in the universe that states, "Dov Heller deserves to live a long, happy, and successful life!" My feelings of entitlement are born from within my own mind. Objectively speaking, there is no basis for such claims.

Even though Judaism maintains that God created us for pleasure and wants us to have pleasure, we still should not feel entitled to getting what we desire. This is because everything good we do get must be looked at as a gift. Understanding this creates an awareness that the source of all our good is God.

This understanding that everything is a gift forms the basis of our relationship with God. Judaism also looks at the bad as coming from God and it should ultimately be viewed as a gift. However a discussion of this complex issue is beyond the limits of this article.

Neither God, nor anyone else for that matter, owes us anything. Do you believe this is true? Most people do not.

THE ENTITLEMENT ATTITUDE

There are many things we feel entitled to. For example, aren't we entitled to have people treat us fairly, with sensitivity, with respect? Where is that written? The truth is that any kindness we receive from others is always a gift.

What about marriage? This is an area of life which is full of expectation. What do you think your spouse owes you? Financial support? Emotional support? Is he or she the one who is supposed to make you happy for the rest of your life?

Your spouse owes you nothing! Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler emphasized this point in his "Strive for Truth" when he said, "When demands begin, love departs." If we would focus on our responsibilities to our spouses and what we can do to make them happy, our marriages would be much more fulfilling. Focus on what you are not getting that you feel entitled to and your marriage will be painful.

A distinction must be made between the illegitimacy of "entitlement" in an absolute sense and our legitimate claim to seek "justice" and the fulfillment of one's rights under society's laws or under a body of religious laws. For example, when a person isn't paid for his work, he is "entitled" by society's laws to sue for his wages. A wife who is being treated disrespectfully by her husband is "entitled" by Torah law to be given respect.

But in an absolute sense, a person is not entitled to be paid or to be given respect because there is nothing in the universe that guarantees any kind of individual rights.

THE GRATITUDE ATTITUDE

Eliminating entitlement from your life and embracing gratitude is spiritually and psychologically liberating.

Gratitude is the recognition that life owes me nothing and all the good I have is a gift. My eyes are a gift. So is my wife, my clothes, my job and my every breath. This is a major shift from the entitlement mode. Recognizing that everything good in life is ultimately a gift is a fundamental truth of reality.

To speak of seeing everything good we have as a gift leads us to confront the reality of a giver and the source of all this good: God.

Gratitude is where we begin to experience God in a powerfully personal way. "Thank you" is the simplest and one of the most powerful prayers a person can say. If you can say, "Thank you," you can connect with God and begin to develop a personal relationship with Him.

A powerful, although tragic, example of someone who mastered the gratitude attitude was a great Jewish woman named Bruria. The story of Bruria is told in the Talmud. Bruria and her husband, Rabbi Meir, had two sons who both died one Friday afternoon before Shabbat. Bruria decided not to tell her husband of the tragedy until after Shabbat since, according to Jewish law, one is not permitted to have a funeral on Shabbat or to openly mourn. There was nothing they could do until after Shabbat so she kept the information to herself and allowed her husband to enjoy the day (imagine being able to do that!). Explaining where the boys were was the least of her challenges.

When Shabbat was over this is how Bruria broke the horrible news to her husband. She asked him a legal question: What is the proper course of action if one person borrows two jewels from another and then the original owner requests that the return of the jewels. He replied with the obvious answer that one is obligated to return the loan upon demand. She then took her husband to where their two dead sons lay and said, "God has requested that we return the loan of our two jewels."

Bruria teaches us a potentially life transforming lesson here: Everything we have is on loan!

ON LOAN

My ears are on loan, my health is on loan, my children are on loan. Everything is a loan that is given as a gift.

What have we done that we could claim we earned life, health, financial success, or children? We have done nothing. As I mentioned earlier, when we internalize this truth, we become spiritually and psychologically liberated.

How freeing to live with a sense that everything good is on loan.

This is the key to internalizing the gratitude attitude. Once we understand that everything is a gift, we can begin to feel gratitude towards God, the source of all good, and grow closer to Him in an authentic and joyful way.

The Key To Staying On the Derech is Maintenance

This is a follow up post to my thoughts on the topic of why some BTs go off the derech. The crux of my theory is that sometimes people go off the derech not so much because they are unsatisfied with their frum lifestyle, but rather, because when life’s pressures become overwhelming we seek to go back to the familiar. This is true even when what was once familiar won’t make us happy today. Though we might have evolved into different people, we stubbornly seek out our old habits, while we conveniently forget the reasons why we changed our former lifestyle patterns in the first place.

As an example, an ex-smoker might feel momentary relief in a cigarette during a stressful moment, but the pain of addiction and fear of cancer will be a quick reminder of why they quit in the first place. The drag of a cigarette can never be as sweet as those first puffs taken in ignorance of the consequences. Additionally, there will also be the sting of personal failure ingested with each inhale. Similarly, imagine the frustrations of a chronic dieter who struggles to lose weight, reaches a modicum of success, only to give up the difficult fight and pack the pounds back on. These analogies illustrate why I believe that BTs who go off the derech are never truly satisfied with their choice to revert back to their former lives. I realize that I am likening becoming frum to overcoming an addiction. However, I believe that this diagnosis is correct for many of us.

I knew a boy in high school who was addicted to drugs (I’ll call him Bill). I didn’t really know Bill, except that he was in quite a few of my honors level classes. Bill was first caught with marijuana when we were in 9th grade. Instead of serving time in a juvenile penitentiary, he was sent to an inpatient drug rehab program. When Bill entered the program, his mother asked our Social Studies teacher if she could pick a handful of students, who she felt might be a good influence upon him, to exchange letters with him while he was in the program. The program encouraged the patients to cut off ties with all of their old cohorts and make a new group of friends who didn’t do drugs. Bill’s mother hoped that if he could establish a few friendships with other kids during his program stay, and know that he had new friends waiting for him upon his return to school, it might give him the incentive he needed to stay clean.

I was one of the people chosen to befriend Bill. I wrote him letters and he wrote back to me, grateful for the communication. He said he was ready to give up on drugs, and looked forward to coming back to school and forming new relationships with new friends. When he came back to school, he put his best foot forward. He was participating in class and sought out the company of those who had written to him. Eventually, his former associates started seeking out Bill, just to say howdy. Bill still liked his old friends, and the only problem he had with them was that they still used drugs. Bill decided that it couldn’t hurt to hang out with them, as long as he stuck to smoking cigarettes and not pot. Gradually, he began to skip classes to hang out with these buddies. The boundary drawn between smoking tobacco and weed became blurred and he was back to where he started. Bill’s new friendships faded fast. His single mom was broken-hearted. Bill dropped out of school in 11th grade. The last I heard about Bill was that he had been arrested for possession and selling of cocaine.

So, what went wrong for Bill? In the beginning, he had lots of support. He was in an inpatient program being monitored and given therapy 24/7. His mom was enlisted to help him on the homefront. His schoolmates were enlisted to support him on the peer front. Bill was responding positively to the support. However, after Bill was released from the program, his mom went back to her full-time job, his old friends came around again, and Bill slipped back into his old patterns. He alienated his new friends who did not approve of his drug-enhanced lifestyle. Bill knew he needed to change or he would go down a dangerous path, but he couldn’t stop himself from slipping into his familiar routine.

How does this relate to the BT who goes off the derech? I have seen similar patterns emerging from the kiruv movement to those that emerge from the rehab movement. When counseling secular Jews who are interested in becoming frum, all of the emphasis is placed on the induction process, and not the life cycle process. In the beginning, there is emphasis on providing proof of the divine existence of Hashem, learning about the rituals, experiencing Shabbos/YomTov, becoming socialized within the frum community, dealing with the secular family of origin (or not), connecting with a posek, and more. There is much communal delight to be mekareve a formerly frei yid. The community gets nachas from turning on the light for the formerly blind. However, light bulbs only have a certain life expectancy before they burn out. They must be replaced every so often to keep the lamps burning. This too, is the way of the BT.

Binyamin Klempner writes of the Bostoner Rebbe and Harav Michel Twerski, and their method of ongoing maintenance and kiruv for the BTs in their communities. In his post, there is an interesting quote from Rabbi Twerski’s son:

“In the words of Harav Benzion Twerski regarding keeping our baalei teshuvah strong, “maintenance is everything in kiruv.” When Harav Michel Twerski or the Bostoner Rebbe is mekarev a Yid, they are accepting upon themselves the lifelong commitment of helping not only the baal tshuvah who they are being mekarev, but that person’s children as well. This commitment includes helping baalei teshuvah attain the necessary level of knowledge required to function in the Torah observant world, helping with shidduchim, shalom bayis counseling, advising the couple as to what is expected of husband and wife in a Torah true home, what kind of chinuch is appropriate for their children, and even taking responsibility for their children’s shiduchim; in short, advising on every aspect of life throughout one’s life.”

There is wisdom in these words. Just as some people unsatisfied with their jobs seek relief by abruptly quitting or just as some unhappily married couples immediately file for divorce, such is the drastic decision of some BTs to go off the derech.

How many BTs could be saved from leaving if there were support and programming to help with their doubts and frustrations? I have unsuccessfully tried to find information on the yearly percentage of people who become frum through various kiruv programs (if anyone has knowledge of such a study please let me know). However, whatever the percentage might be, an accurate portrayal would be to follow the study group through the years to see how many remain frum. The key is maintenance.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is this world so unfair? Please don't tell me "We can't understand G?d's ways." I am sick of hearing that. I want an explanation.

Answer:

Are you sure you want an explanation? Do you really want to know why the innocent suffer? I think not. You are far better off with the question than with an answer.

You are bothered by the fact that people suffer undeservedly. As you should be. Any person with an ounce of moral sensitivity is outraged by the injustices of our world. Abraham, the first Jew, asked G-d, "Should the Judge of the whole world not act fairly?" Moses asked, "Why have You treated this people badly?" And today we still ask, "Why G?d, why?"

But what if we found the answer? What if someone came along and gave us a satisfying explanation? What if the mystery were finally solved? What if we asked why, and actually got an answer?

If this ultimate question were answered, then we would be able to make peace with the suffering of innocents. And that is unthinkable. Worse than innocent people suffering is others watching their suffering unmoved. And that's exactly what would happen if we were to understand why innocents suffer. We would no longer be bothered by their cry, we would no longer feel their pain, because we would understand why it is happening.

Imagine you are in a hospital and you hear a woman screaming with pain. Outside her room, her family is standing around chatting, all smiling and happy. You scream at them, "What's wrong with you? Can't you hear how much pain she is in?" They answer, "This is the delivery ward. She is having a baby. Of course we are happy."

When you have an explanation, pain doesn't seem so bad anymore. We can tolerate suffering when we know why it is happening.

And so, if we could make sense of innocent people suffering, if we could rationalise tragedy, then we could live with it. We would be able to hear the cry of sweet children in pain and not be horrified. We would tolerate seeing broken hearts and shattered lives, for we would be able to neatly explain them away. Our question would be answered, and we could move on.

But as long as the pain of innocents remains a burning question, we are bothered by its existence. And as long as we can't explain pain, we must alleviate it. If innocent people suffering does not fit into our worldview, we must eradicate it. Rather than justifying their pain, we need to get rid of it.

So keep asking the question, why do bad things happen to good people. But stop looking for answers. Start formulating a response. Take your righteous anger and turn it into a force for doing good. Redirect your frustration with injustice and unfairness and channel it into a drive to fight injustice and unfairness. Let your outrage propel you into action. When you see innocent people suffering, help them. Combat the pain in the world with goodness. Alleviate suffering wherever you can.

We don't want answers, we don't want explanations, and we don't want closure. We want an end to suffering. And we dare not leave it up to G-d to alleviate suffering. He is waiting for us to do it. That's what we are here for.

Someone is Proud

This teenager lived alone with his father, and the two of them had a very special relationship. Even though the son was always on the bench, his father was always in the stands cheering. He never missed a game. This young man was still the smallest of the class when he entered high school. But his father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear that he did not have to play football if he didn't want to. But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there. He was determined to try his best at every practice, and perhaps he'd get to play when he became a senior. All through high school he never missed a practice nor a game, but remained a bench. His faithful father was always in the stands, always with words of encouragement for him.

When the young man went to college, he decided to try out for the football team as a "walk-on." Everyone was sure he could never make the cut, but he did. The coach admitted that he kept him on the roster because he always puts his heart and soul to every practice, and at the same time, provided the other members with the spirit and hustle they badly needed.

The news that he had survived the cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his father. His father shared his excitement and was sent season tickets for all the college games. This persistent young athlete never missed practice during his four years at college, but he never got to play in the game. It was the end of his senior football season, and as he trotted onto the practice field shortly before the big play off game, the coach met him with a telegram. The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent. Swallowing hard, he mumbled to the coach, "My father died this morning. Is it all right if I miss practice today?" The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said, "Take the rest of the week off, son. And don't even plan to come back to the game on Saturday.

In the third quarter, when the team was ten points behind, a silent young man quietly slipped into the empty locker room and put on his football gear. As he ran onto the sidelines, the coach and his players were astounded to see their faithful teammate back so soon. "Coach, please let me play. I've just go to play today," said the young man. The coach pretended not to hear him. There was no way he wanted his worst player in this close. Feeling sorry for the kid, the coach gave in. "All right," he said. "You can go in." Before long, the coach, the players and everyone in the stands could not believe their eyes. This little unknown, who had never played before was doing everything right. The opposing team could not stop him. He ran, he passed, blocked and tackled like a star. His team began to triumph. The score was soon tied. In the closing seconds of the game, this kid intercepted a pass and ran all the way for the winning touchdown. The fans broke loose. His teammates hoisted him onto their shoulders. Such cheering you've never heard! Finally, after the stands had emptied and the team had showered and left the locker room, the coach noticed that the young man was sitting quietly in the corner all alone. The coach came to him and said, "Kid, I can't believe it. You were fantastic! Tell me what got into you? How did you do it?" He looked at the coach, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Well, you knew my dad died, but did you know that my dad was blind?" The young man swallowed hard and forced a smile, "Dad came to all my games, but today was the first time he could see me play, and I wanted to show him I could do it!"

Use Auto-Suggestion for Approval

Repeat to yourself slowly and calmly again and again, even hundreds of times, "I do not need the approval of others," or, "What others think of me does not make a difference."

Contemplate these thoughts until you start to internalize them. Repetition will help you integrate them. Realize that you may have repeated many thousands of times the need for approval of others. Counteracting these takes many repetitions.

Choose Your Thoughts to Avoid Worry

Worry is when you choose from millions of possible thoughts, only the few which deal with a potential misfortune or problem.

Once you accept your worrying as the act of choosing specific thoughts, you can consciously make an effort to avoid those thoughts that cause you needless pain and choose more constructive, positive thoughts.

Turn Criticism into a Blessing

The biggest blessing for a person is when someone points out to him not only his strengths and virtues, but also his weaknesses and shortcomings.

We see this in the Torah when Yaakov blessed his children before he died. Yet we see that he reprimanded some sons for having faults such as impulsiveness and acting in anger. But that itself was the blessing! When Yaakov told Revuen that he acted impulsively and Shimon and Levi that they acted in anger, he was helping them to focus on the traits they needed to improve. This is the way to self-completion and it is the best blessing possible!

Today, think of a weakness that someone pointed out to you that you need to overcome. Think about how you can improve in this area and turn this criticism into a blessing!

Choose your Words Carefully

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Proverbs 18:21).

If you were writing a newspaper article, you'd be sure to choose your words carefully. You'd even ask others to help edit what you wrote.

It is equally crucial to watch what you say when speaking to your husband or wife. Your words to your spouse can create feelings of joy, love, closeness, gratitude, and hopefully even radiant bliss. Your words can console, comfort, inspire, motivate, elevate.

Other words can create feelings of pain, distress, and anger.

Choose carefully.

good lessons

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:

'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?'

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her
name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

'Absolutely,' said the professor. 'In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say 'hello.'

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:3 0 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s.. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..

It read:
'Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.'
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

'How much is an ice cream sundae?' he asked.

'Fifty cents,' replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

'Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?' he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

'Thirty-five cents,' she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

'I'll have the plain ice cream,' he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.


4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, 'Yes I'll do it if it will save her.' As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away'.

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her but he had chosen to save
her anyway.

'Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching.'